PHOTOSHOPvsPORNO

I'VE always wanted to be a collector but I couldn't decide what to collect. I do have a criteria:

Should be cheap.

Should be something I like.

Should be worth more than what I paid for in the future (at least to some ignorant fool).

I wanted to collect comicbooks at first (I just love 'em covers) but they are so expensive. Plus you meet these collectors who look at you like "Who the hell are you trying to ask for X-Men No. 1? You don't even look like you can afford it!"

Well, they're right. I did look like the ignorant fool. Good thing they didn't like me, though. At least it prevented me from being a member of a society of men who cling on to pre-adolescent obsessions. So, I moved on to a more mature preoccupation: Adult Magazines.

It's definitely a toss up between Hefner's Playboy or Flynt's Hustler. Both get my tick mark for being "something that I like" and might be "worth more than what I paid for in the future." But just like having a mistress from a whorehouse, maintaining this kind of erotica collection will be hard to sustain financially. They're like hot coal in your pants, burning a hole in your pocket at first, then giving your thigh a third degree.

Living in a third-world country sometimes limits your choices to third-rate materials. Yes, compared to the first two, FHM isn't really scorching hot. But it's still warm enough for those cold, rainy nights. And when I started my old collection, around the first months of 2000 AD, believe it or not, it had a retail price of 100 pesos (roughly 3 USD)-- unbelievably cheap like your friendly neighborhood pokpok. FHM didn't burn my pocket but filled its corners with something else. Like an old Van Morrison song, it filled my heart with gladness and took away all my sadness. Because like it or not, being an FHM subscriber meant I am now officially a collector. (Hah!)

I enjoyed being a collector. Nothing beats getting your freshly printed, plastic covered copy every month before mere mortals who buy their copy from the newsstands. I enjoyed the freebies you get in between the pages, like beer coasters, bookmarkers, and once, even a CD of Patricia Javier's first and last attempt to get a singing career going.

I enjoyed reading all the informative articles it provided, the friendly banter between the editor Eric Ramos, FHM's intelligent readers (like me, I assumed) and the people who think publishing a magazine like this is a big slap to Filipino values. At least, I thought, a little spanking will help some of us remember that we did have some. Values, I mean.

I also enjoyed the ladies of FHM. I'd be an obvious fag if I didn't mention this. It's really like having a different girlfriend every month. A girlfriend who's a 10, but willing to take her clothes off just to please lil'-ol'-loser-me.

My relationship with my FHM girlfriends (coupled by my sudden fascination with anything Nivea) went on, and on and on... until.

I noticed something peculiar: All my girlfriends in between the pages of my one and only collection are missing their... nipples?!

I couldn't believe it myself. But then, if a girl's chest is covered only with an actual fisherman's fishing net, logic says there should be a prune or two showing in between the strands somewhere--yet, there was none!

A picture of a model in dripping wet t-shirt should at least have a shadow of a black sago, right? Wrong. The sago, nor its shadow is disappointingly not there. I'm no expert in CG but I'll know a photoshop stamping trick if I see one.

Like what my Science teachers have taught me... I therefore conclude that the nipples have been erased! (Duh?)

To support this hypotheses, I started scanning the rest of my collection and discovered that the missing nipples mystery started only in the last quarter issues of FHM 2000. Meaning, the first batch were yummier than the last batch which tasted a bit stale if you ask me.

That's when I decided I had to stop collecting repressed versions of my fantasies. Who would want a censored version of a supposed attempt at erotic art. It definitely violated FHM press freedom, the models' freedom of expression, and of course, my human rights. Also, my human lefts. For there were times I did use both right and left.

The December 2000 ish was the last time I held an FHM mag. I wanted to write to Eric Ramos to tell him the jig was up. But he resigned before I got to writing a scathing letter. I think he was as principled as I am that a man's magazine has got to do what a man's magazine should do: tickle our funny bone and boner. To this single act of courage against the powers that be, I salute Eric Ramos for blazing the trail and starting a revolution in men's magazine.

The FHM year 2000 started with a bang with Eric and ended up with a ffttt with a wannabe. The fire blazed, fizzled and then it was gone too soon.

My FHM 2000 collection of nipple-less models has now started its own collection of... dust.

It looks cheap.

I don't like it anymore.

And you might see it on Ebay in the future. (LjI0408)

SULAT UNGGOY

Ipinadala sa akin para sa mga unggoyito na hindi marunong mag- Spellign.

Hlleo!

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! Im qitiutng sohocl nxet mntoh.

Sielrcney,

Bobo

(May pag-asa pa-- MM)

SUPERBADMONKEYS

KUWENTONG highschool ng dalawang unggoy (Evan at Seth) na gustong maka-iskor sa dalawang 'hot chicks'. Napakasimpleng kuwento kaya hinaluan ang screenplay ng alak-- kailangan, ayon sa matabang unggoyito na si Evan, lasingin niya 'yung type niyang dalaga para magustuhan siya. Kung isa kang unggoy, mai-insecure ka rin.

Ang buong pelikula ay tungkol sa iba't ibang paraan na gagawin ng mga unggoy upang makakuha ng alak sa illegal na paraan. Sa ibang gubat kasi, gaya ng Amerika, mahigpit sila sa alak. So ito raw ang solusyon:

1. Gumamit ng Fake ID.
2. Magnakaw ng alak galing sa ibang party.
3. Magpabili sa mas matandang unggoy.

Sa kagubatan ng Pilipinas, ito lang ang mga solusyon kung gusto mo ng alak:

1. Mangutang sa tindahan. (Use the magic words: 'Paki-lista muna, Manang.')
2. Chip-in-chip-in (lima-limampiso galing sa barkada, makakaipon ka rin ng pambili ng Bilog.)
3. Paghaluin mo ang Green Cross Rubbing Alcohol at 7-UP.

At kung gusto mo talagang makaiskor sa chicks maghanda ka lang ng alcohol at mga 200 pesos, punta sa sa Luneta ng mga alas-dose ng gabi siguradong makakatikim ka. 'Yung 200 pambayad sa chick, 'yung alcohol panghugas pagkatapos mong tumikim.

Enuf said.

So, nakatikim ba sina Evan at Seth ng booty? Hindeee!

They end up sleeping with each other (spooning is the more appropriate word). Giving moviegoers a glimpse that they're also confused on what they really want. The girls? Each other? Who? Why? What?

Even the last scene, while they look at each other in an undecided manner before going out with the same hot girls in the mall, was totally confusing. They're confused. Were confused. This whole blog entry is confusing.

Proving that monkeys, however macho they claim to be, might swing both ways.

YOUTUBEme

DIYASKENG YouTube.

Nagkaroon ako bigla ng bagong addiction bukod sa panonood ng mga kamag-anak ko sa National Geographic (sosyal ang tawag sa amin du'n: 'Primates') at Playhouse Disney ('Ooh and Aah'), I can't stop myself from 'YouTubing'. Mula nu'ng maikabit 'yung bagong 'interweb' connection namin dito sa aming tree house last Thursday, hindi ko na mapigil ang sarili kong mag-online. I became an instant member.

What's my purpose? I'm in the process of stumping the site: 'Ano'ng video kaya ang WALA sila?' Halos lahat kasi ng topic naka-upload dito. Eh, ultimo 'yung kasal ni Queen Elizabeth nu'ng 19kopongkopong, meron. Speech ni Ninoy Aquino nu'ng buhay pa siya. Meron. Pati 'yung hindi maintindihang report ni Michael Fajatin sa Saksi ng GMA7, nandu'n. Hmm?

So, I tried typing 'At Seventeen', 'yung '70s classic na Janis Ian song-- my favorite kasi laging pinapatugtog sa Mellow Touch DWLL nu'ng kabataan ko. Mahirap, 'di ba? Una luma na. Pangalawa, kanta siya at wa' pang mTV nu'n. Pangatlo, sino na nga ba si Janis Ian? So, hintay ako ng mga 3 seconds... meron pare! 10 video-versions nu'ng kanta. Sampu, maniwala ka-- mula nu'ng '70s na kumakanta si Janis sa isang tv show (girly pa siya dito), hanggang sa isang vid na 2000ish sa isang revival concert (lesbo na siya dito and very old pero ang galing pa rin kumanta). And the video thread began right there. (See 'Mga Larawang Gumagalaw')

A few seconds later, pinapanood ko na si Barry Manilow, kumakanta ng 'Mandy' at age 25 siguro--pogi at lalaki pa. Si Robin Williams, David Letterman at Jay Leno nagsta-standup nu'ng '80s-- all long-haired and I just realized, long din pala ang baba nilang tatlo. 'Tapos sina Tito, Vic and Joey sa isang '70s Coke commercial mimicking Freddie Aguilar and Mike Hanopol. MERON din sila.

Sa thread nina TVJ may nakita akong video entries titled 'sexy commercials' so I clicked it. Engrossing. Mga sexy ladies endorsing different products from softdrinks to--sex? Nu'ng nakita ko 'yung title na 'sex' , tumayo ang... balahibo ko. Totoo kaya? So I clicked it. I ended with a 7 minute very sexy video titled 'Seducing a Maid' from Spain. Two girls kissing like there are no men on earth (or monkeys for that matter). To my surprise it's an ad for a porno site pala. And You Tube allowed it. Kina-cut lang 'pag magpapakita na ng nipples 'yung mga 'actresses'. But with or without the nips, solve na rin.

The porno ad was very convincing...so, after a few more accidental clicks, aside from YouTube I became an instant member of YouTubeMe.com (or Tubuhin Mo Ako).

Diyaske.

TYPING MONKEY

'Tsaka na ko magsasalita. Praktis muna. Mahirap ang mag-type para sa isang unggoy.